Monday, May 24, 2010

Chris Moyles - He's annoying isn't he?

I had to suffer Radio One last week and I do mean suffer. Am I getting old? I'm 31 now and I was listening to Moyles and co-hosts and either I'm old and boring or I just don't get this mundane sense of humour. I just wanted to hear a record, any record so I could at least wake up a little but all I got was 20 minutes of him talking about North Wales and some twat asking for a Shepard's pie in Welsh.

I always thought with humour - any humour be it stand up or in a TV Show or everyday life - you say something once and people laugh and remember it if it's funny enough. In the world of Moyles he has to repeat a joke or a so called comedy phrase about 70 times in ten minutes. It's as if the bloke is so insecure and worried that his audience don't get it he has to drill it in.

And as for audience, I'm always baffled how figures are produced. I don't know how many millions of listeners he is supposed to have but how do they gather the information to provide this? The last government didn't even know how many people were living in the country - so how can anybody guess who listens to what radio station at what time!?!

Incidentally I met Moyles at a Spurs game a few years back when I was at White Hart Lane with my little brother and I was rather proud of the fact that having chatted with him for a good five minutes I ended the conversation saying I was "More of an XFM fan anyway".

I ended up tuning into Radio Two in the end because at least you can hear a few tunes without a load of nonsensical bollocks inbetween.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh, everything's perfectly all right now! We're.. fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?

This week celebrates five years of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith and as much as it embarrasses me to post this here I've decided for your viewing pleasure to post a document containing what I thought of the film back on May 23, 2005. I'm sure people that know me now will remember how much I despise the prequels these days but back then I was so excited like a five year old seeing ROTJ again I had to vent my joy somewhere on the web.

Please don't laugh at me too much Ha Ha!

Well, what can I say? Last Thursday I stood in line to see the final ever Star wars movie and was I impressed?

This film fits in with the original trilogy near perfect and is worth seeing for the amazing fight scenes alone.
Lucas has actually redeemed himself for the other two films which (If I am honest) were a bit ropey.

Let me start off with the good points first of all.

1) The opening space battle was superb and was by far one of the best space action scenes in all six movies.

2) The battle of Kashyyyk was also great and reminded me of Saving Private Ryan for some reason. The return of Chewbacca was nice and most welcome but his appearance was far too short.

3) R2-D2 was hilarious and was really in his own this time round although the use of his thrusters will bug me for along time to come...Don't ask.

4) The return of the Tantive IV (leia's ship in A New Hope) was cool. It was a really pimped up version and reminded me of the Stormtroopers destroying it with laser fire in the next one.

Lots more which I would love to mention but hey, I am going to skip to the one that did it for me.

My Goodness, this was truly awesome to watch and makes thier fight in ANH look like a walk hand in hand in the park. Harsh words are exchanged between them and obviously we all no the outcome but I actually found myself wanting Anakin to become good again...Sad I know.

When he burns as well it sent shivers down my spine (Crispy Vader anybody!?!?).

Now the moans.

1) Lucas has once again filled the film with some really piss poor dialog which belongs in some other movie
"No, I love you more"

2) General Grievous was in my opinion very hyped up but did not deliver the goods. A disappointment which could have been so much better in terms of character.

3) The Force ghost explanation was a complete turkey. I waited years to find out the reason why this happens only to be told Yoda can talk to Qui-Gon and he will be able to train Obi-Wan to do it as well. WHAT A LOAD OF rubbish.

Overall though a great film and I will be seeing it again, just because I want to see Vader get suited up again.

"NOOOOOOOOOO" said by Vader is pure CHEESE but I love it.

Well there you go. I hope you had a chuckle at what I look back at now and cringe.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

The SFX Hilarious Sci-Fi Movie Rules

These Sci-Fi movie rules were created by members of the SFX website (myself included)and take a look at the humorous and sometimes bizarre things that happen in Sci-Fi movies.

Do you recognise any films being referred to here? Check them out below.

1) Never answer a distress signal
2) Steer well clear of the hermit-looking old man at the bar
3) Shoot first, listen to philosophy latter.
4) All aliens from the same planet look the same
5) Never wear red...if you want to live
6) If you hear a strange noise, head in the opposite direction
7. Inner cities with have extensive use of neon and it will rain a lot.
8. Making fun of an ancient religion is probably not a good idea.
9. All aliens will speak and understand English
10. At some point Milla Jovovich will lose her clothes.
11. Cell phones will lose signal or run out of power just when you need to make a call
12. When trying to phone someones phone to warn them about the danger they will always go to voicemail
13. If a big fella with an Austrian accent confronts you while holding an Uzi-9mm and asks you if you are called John Connor the answer you give is most defiantely NO!
14. All alien races have at some point contacted an ancient Earth culture (eg the Egyptians, the Aztecs).
15. Make sure you're not Bill Paxton.
(a). If you do find yourself to be Bill Paxton then don't go out like a punk and make sure you have a memorable death scene.
16. Choose the blue pill.
17) Never join forces with Michael Ironside, or at least try to stay away from him and his people.
18 ) Remember to remind people that it's only your friends that can call you Murphy. Anyone else must and will call you Robocop.
19. Contrary to common belief toxic waste/radioactive material will give you cool superpowers, not an extremly painful death
20) Any super Artificial Intelligence computer will turn on you. Always.
21) your nemesis' base of operations will always explode after his plans have been thwarted
22.) if your lover gets turned into an evil murderous mutant by an evil genius, it will not kill you in the final scene and will sacrifice itself to save you.
23) Never walk backwards, he/she/it will be behind you.
24) Always shoot him/her/it again...multiple the head! If you don't you will be grabbed suddenly as you inexplicably lean close to him/her/it.
25. Don't be Samuel L. Jackson. Any bad ass monologue you'll say is just not worth the painful death that will follow.

26.) in a zombie apocalypse senario the member of your party who looks a bit ill has been infected...kill them imediatly!
27 ) Bugs are bad and will kill you in the most graphic ways imaginable which means at the end of the day they are really not worth fighting just so you can get citizenship. Service Gurantees mostly 99.9% your own death.
28. That big muscular dude who just left your police station? He will be back.
29.) get laid before your holiday to Summer Ilse
30. They are all fools. One day you will show them all.
31) Shouting "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!" in a film will always get a response from fans even if it's nearly 30 years later.
32.) All alien races are either some from a planet with one all cosuming culture, or a planet with two cultures which are always at war
33) No matter how advanced a space travelling alien race is, a laptop loaded with windows will be able to interact with their computers.
34) No matter how big space is, you will always meet other spaceships - and they will always be the "Right Way Up"
35. Make sure that your alien welcoming committee includes Will Smith.
36) Make sure your alien welcome committee are fully briefed NOT to use a dove as a symbol of peace between yourself and an alien race. Misunderstandings could result from this.
37) When fighting off a group of crazy aliens ALWAYS make sure you have a portable stereo handy with Slim Whitmans- Indian Love Call in the tape deck.
38 ) Don't fight the same aliens with just your fists. you may be trying to prove the point you are still a great boxer but they will always win in the end by sheer numbers.
(a) Unless your name is Jim Brown.
39) Every peace-loving idyllic culture has a seamy underbelly
40) That hot chick is a baddie.
41. It's probably best to not ask for a recipe for that delicious hot dog you just ate
(a). Best not to embaress yourself by asking how to use the three sea shells ethier
42. Alternate universes always contains one of two things nazis and/or goatees.
(a) or Dinosaurs and/or Apes
43) Nazis and Cowboys are everywhere!
44) even tho the lights dont work your space ship will always have a functional gravity source
45) Playing with the lights will result in a sulky british guy shouting at you
46) Flying headlong into a black hole will not result in your death dispite what the scientists say
47) being exposed to the cold vacuum of space is only lethal if your an arse
48 ) large and seemingly unlockable doors can be opened via a nearby panel and crossing a few wires
49) you can lock large doors by just blasting the control panel
50) air vents are always large enough for crew members (and alien monsters) to crawl through

51) spacesuit helmets have internal lighting so everyone can see who you are (too hell with the heat and vision problems). But not if your evil
52. Memorize these words: Klaatu Barada Nikto. From being sent back in time to facing a giant alien robot, those words will probably save you.
53. Don't read any book that's clad in human skin.
54. Shoot any who even mumbles the word "f'tagn".
55. Earth is the most important planet in the cosmos, even if it's part of an interstellar alliance which has many older and more advanced civilisations.
56. If you are serving on a deep space mining ship and find while having dinner with fellow crew that one of your team starts to have violent unexplainable convulsions be afraid...BE VERY AFRAID.
57. Move out of New York.
58.) that's no moon!
59.) meteorites always contain a nasty alien organism
60.) In space the Captain never goes down with his ship
61.) If you have a brother or clone one of you will be evil
a) If you are the good brother/clone you have a mullet
b) If you are the bad brother/clone you have a really cool outfit, and are prone to kidnapping you brother's/clone's love interest
62.) Evil Emporers/Generals/Lords must wear black - perferrably cowls or leather
63.) the virus/antidote will always be brightly coloured and contained in glass tubes
64) A single person will defeat the alien menace where the army / marines / commandos / airforce (delete as applicable) have failed.
65) Baddie's heavily defended base has one small unnoticed weakness.
66) The Hero never gets the girl (unless its Bond).
67) The Hero is strung up in some elaborate evil mechanism that is so complicated he/she escapes just in time.
68 )Never trust a god-like alien
69) Alien girls are easy
70) Reversing the polarity always solves the problem
71). If you are from a small farming community and are barely surviving, then you will be related to either the universe controlling evil megalomaniac or his most feared leuitenant.
72). At the very end, the universe controlling evil megalomaniac or his most feared leuitenant will have a change of heart due to your unconditional love and will sacrifice themselves to save the day.
a). Even though the universe controlling evil megalomaniac or his most feared leuitenant sacrificed themselves to save the day, you will take the credit.
73) if you believe a monster or killer alien being is on the loose in your base/home/ship, never, never, never, EVER look up at the ceilin of any room you go into.
74. When norwegians starts to shoot dogs it's time to leave Antartica
75. If you are Captain of a giant starship that also hosts as a home for a huge number of families then please try and think before flying into a battle situation at warp 7. You don't want to crash or anything do you?

76. Stuck in an energy ribbon and trying to decide at what point in time you should leave so to stop the bad guy? Stop and just think a few minutes... could you make it much easier for yourself?
77. Alien artefacts are more trouble than they're worth. Just leave them buried in the desert / antarctic / bottom of the ocean and go on with your lives.
a) Unless you're on Mars gasping for air, then it's probably a good idea to activate every alien artefact you can get your hands on.
78. Don't marry dudes that compares you to sand.
79) Hawaiian shirts are de riguer for civilian spaceship engineers
80. Never trust a compute networker that wears hawaiian shirts.
81.) Never stick your arm in any arm-width sized-holes
82.) if you're in a Joss Whedon production and are in a happy relationship...update your will.
83). If there are two alien races fighting and neither of them look human, then the really ugly/evil looking race will be the good guys and the attractive seemingly friendly race will be bad. But you will not find out untill it is nearly too late and you have slaughtered half of the 'uglies'.
84.) Your spaceship cannot have plush carpeted flooring unless it is a Federation Starship
85.) Anyone who wears a suit and works for a multi-national / inter-stella corporation is evil. You may as well shoot them now and have done with it.
a) Be careful to not shoot the one that's gonna have a change of heart after said corporation betrays him/her
86.) an extraordinary number of people/aliens in the multi-verse resemble David Warner
87)There's always a deadline to save the planet like we only have 12 hours to save the Earth!
a)And they always know exactly how long the deadline is.
88 ) Your robotic arm will always be an embaressment that you do not wish to discuss with over people but if it helps you to tie the laces of your classic converse from'the old days' you can live with it.
89) If you wake up from cryostasis/hypersleep/whatever, and find yourself on a dark, desolate and rusty-looking leaky ship, find the nearest escape-pod. Trust me, nothing good will come from exploring the ship's endlessly claustrophobic corridors.
90) Avoid Sam Neill.

Just ordered this IRON MAN 2 t-shirt off

Yeah, I know how cool you must think I am. £11.99, what a bargain.

Unfortunately it won't look this good when I wear it. Size XL and a beer belly to go with it.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010


As a huge fan of the graphic novel I was really excited to see this film last year. thought I would share with you this review I wrote after seeing it at the cinema for the first time.

When an ex-superhero known as The Comedian is murdered, a vigilante named Rorschach begins an investigation into the murder, which which leads to a much more terrifying conclusion.
The look of the film was stunning and I think Zack Snyder got the balance right on what to put into the story and what to leave out this cinematic version and save for the extended DVD.
Rorschach and Nite Owl II were just how I imagined them to be in the flesh. I think Jackie Earle Haley really nailed Rorschach and Patrick Wilson as Nite Owl II was very good.

It was a nice touch to have Nite Owl there when Rorschach died as it made for a more emotional scene compared to the book where he died alone with nobody there but Dr.Manhattan.
On the subject of Doctor Manhattan I might as well get out the way what everyone is talking about and that would be his very blue penis. I never really noticed it after the first time to be honest but I am glad they decided to keep him how he is for the film and not give him some permanent underwear as that was not what he was all about.

Maybe there would of been more of an uproar if it had been one of the human characters with their schlong forever hanging out?
As for the 'sex' scene on Archie (The ship) between Nite Owl II and Silk Spectre I would admit that seemed a bit out of place with the content and maybe should be cut down for the DVD. It was like watching poor porn (Or so I have heard) and it did make me chuckle for all the wrong reasons. I don't think what that was all about was really covered on film like it was in the book and so it came across completely different to what it should of been.

I will point out though that I do now have an interest in Malin Akerman after her role as Silk Spectre though.
I was also chuffed that the scenes from the book I wanted to see were in there. Don't read too much into my mental state about that please as they were mostly violent scenes involving Rorschach in prison.
I loved the cooking fat mutilation and the whole time he spent in prison although it was short compared to (dare I say it again) the book and I don't think he should of got his costume back straight away.
He was without it a while after he was freed in the book if I remember correctly.
I also did not see any problems with the look of President Nixon (some people have commented he looked fake) as I took it that he was just a caricature from the book and that was what was being aimed for.

Also the minor changes in the film really did not bother me at all and I would go as far to say in some respects it made it better. I really did not have a problem with the new ending either.
I think Zack Snyder has done a good job of bringing this film to the screen and he deserves praise considering the development hell this project has been in for well over twenty years. He has recieved a lot of stick from fans while making this and I think he has done a fine job.
I would go as far as saying Watchmen is probably the most faithful adaption of it's genre ever and unfortunately that also may be it's downfall when it comes to non-fans of the book. Do you need to read the novel to appreciate this movie? I think it would help but then I know people that have not read it and have really enjoyed it.
I love it though and I will 100% be going to see it again before it leaves my local cineworld

“Shop smart. Shop S-Mart.”

“For a long time I was embarrassed to say I was a 'B' movie actor, ... But now that I see what Hollywood's putting out, I realized 'B' actually means 'better.'”
Bruce Campbell

Last year the SFX website asked for questions from people that they could put to the legend of cult movies Bruce Campbell.

Anyway, I contributed a question and wooooohooooo they asked him it and it was printed in SFX magazine.

I know, I am getting far too excited about it but it did make me smile as I know being the Bruce fan that my friend James was he would of found this really amusing.

Here it is -

The Question
Bruce, can you give me three tips on how to become as cool as Bruce Campbell?

The Answer
Try standing out in a winter storm all night and see how tough you are. Start with that. Then go into a bar and pick a fight and see how tough you are. And then go home and break crockery over your head. Start with those three and you will be good to go.

Hahaha Fantastic. Thank you.

Bruce also has an official website -

Monday, May 03, 2010

An idea for Jim Cameron concerning Avatar 2...

The film starts where a different alien life form crashes on Pandora. These life forms are lethal though and breed by impregnating embryos into the Navi. Then when the creatures burst from the unlucky Navi chests and grow the whole world is threatened by them and Jake has to send an SOS back to Earth asking for help.

Once the 'company' get wind of the creatures (the very thing they can use in their bio weapon division) they send a whole army of Colonial Marines.
By the time they get there though (4 years later, space travel time to Pandora) the Navi have already heroically defeated the creatures meaning the company miss out on this other alien so they decide to try and take over Pandora again. Which leads nicely into the third film when some dread-lock crab faced dudes turn up looking for a bit of a hunting session.

This may or may not be a serious post.

TOMMY COOPER : Spoon n' Jar Trick (19)

On this bank holiday Monday let me share with you a classic clip from the legend that was Tommy Cooper.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

She's not the Messiah, She's a very naughty girl!

The Doctor: Amy, I am nine hundred and seven years old, do you know what that means?
Amy Pond: It's been a while?
The Doctor: Ye..No! No! NO! I'm 907 years old and look at me. I dont get older, I just change. You get older. And I dont. And this can't ever work.
Amy Pond: Aw, you are sweet Doctor, but i wasnt looking for anything so long term.

So last nights episode of Doctor Who featured a rather unexpected scene at the end between Amy and the Doctor when she basically tried to get his sonic screwdriver out. YES! Amy tried it on with him and was very suggestive with it. We also picked up that she also doesn't mind a one night stand despite the fact she is getting married the following morning.

I could smell the fan boy rage last night after the broadcast and I'm reading that rage as I write this morning (I'll come to that in a minute).

So what do I think?

While I wasn't expecting this I can't say it shocked me that much as the new series has so far been pretty much 'out there' with the things it has been doing.

I think it was rather refreshing to be honest. Lets look at it this way. Amy had just been in a life threatening situation and was in a highly emotional state. She wanted to show gratitude for him saving her life. OK, it's not the most ideal way to thank someone but we already know that Amy is very comfortable with herself.

Anyone remember her reaction when she watched the Doctor change into his new clothes in the first episode? She was watching him get all naked then and even passed comment what she thought then (I forget what exactly).

I like how he made it clear he had no interest as well indicating he's what I would call a 'Classic' Doctor in the way that he is a very non-sexual person now and no longer the Russell T Davies romanced up fellow we came to know with Doctor Ten and his Rose and Martha's.

One thing that never fails to amaze me though are the overreacting super fans.

As of this morning I've read that Amy is -

An evil whore.
A slapper.
A slag.
A woman with no morals.

On and on...

Apparently the fact Moff wrote the fantastic comedy 'Coupling' hasn't helped ether and has clearly influenced him here with handling Amy's advances toward the Doctor!?!
After all 'Coupling' was a sex comedy wasn't it? No, I don't remember it being just that ether.

The "Moff has no respect for the show" excuse has cropped up again as well which is just utter bollocks if you ask me. As I said in my other Doctor Who blog I think he respects the show more that Russell T.Davies ever did.

Again it's fair enough if people don't like it but surely posting stuff like the above is just too much considering you get far worse on Eastenders? And although I have not got any statistics I'm guessing a lot of children watch that as well as Doctor Who?

Words escape me really. Lucky for me I am able to control my fandom so that I remain balanced... most of the time ;)

Gallifreyan Official: You're only making it worse for yourself!
Innocent Doctor Who Fan: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Amy Pond! Amy Pond! Amy Pond!
Gallifreyan Official: I'm warning you! If you say "Amy Pond" one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Stoners: She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!
Gallifreyan Official: Was it you?
Stoner: Yes.
Gallifreyan Official: Right...
Stoner:Well you did say "Amy Pond."
[Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
Gallifreyan Official: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say, "Amy Pond"
[Crowd stones the Gallifreyan Official to death]


Saturday, May 01, 2010

The Common People

Having still not decided who to vote for yet I'm 100% sure it won't be Tory. Check this rather funny take on Pulps classic 'Common People' song starring David Cameron.