Sunday, May 09, 2010
The SFX Hilarious Sci-Fi Movie Rules
These Sci-Fi movie rules were created by members of the SFX website (myself included)and take a look at the humorous and sometimes bizarre things that happen in Sci-Fi movies.
Do you recognise any films being referred to here? Check them out below.
1) Never answer a distress signal
2) Steer well clear of the hermit-looking old man at the bar
3) Shoot first, listen to philosophy latter.
4) All aliens from the same planet look the same
5) Never wear red...if you want to live
6) If you hear a strange noise, head in the opposite direction
7. Inner cities with have extensive use of neon and it will rain a lot.
8. Making fun of an ancient religion is probably not a good idea.
9. All aliens will speak and understand English
10. At some point Milla Jovovich will lose her clothes.
11. Cell phones will lose signal or run out of power just when you need to make a call
12. When trying to phone someones phone to warn them about the danger they will always go to voicemail
13. If a big fella with an Austrian accent confronts you while holding an Uzi-9mm and asks you if you are called John Connor the answer you give is most defiantely NO!
14. All alien races have at some point contacted an ancient Earth culture (eg the Egyptians, the Aztecs).
15. Make sure you're not Bill Paxton.
(a). If you do find yourself to be Bill Paxton then don't go out like a punk and make sure you have a memorable death scene.
16. Choose the blue pill.
17) Never join forces with Michael Ironside, or at least try to stay away from him and his people.
18 ) Remember to remind people that it's only your friends that can call you Murphy. Anyone else must and will call you Robocop.
19. Contrary to common belief toxic waste/radioactive material will give you cool superpowers, not an extremly painful death
20) Any super Artificial Intelligence computer will turn on you. Always.
21) your nemesis' base of operations will always explode after his plans have been thwarted
22.) if your lover gets turned into an evil murderous mutant by an evil genius, it will not kill you in the final scene and will sacrifice itself to save you.
23) Never walk backwards, he/she/it will be behind you.
24) Always shoot him/her/it again...multiple times...in the head! If you don't you will be grabbed suddenly as you inexplicably lean close to him/her/it.
25. Don't be Samuel L. Jackson. Any bad ass monologue you'll say is just not worth the painful death that will follow.
26.) in a zombie apocalypse senario the member of your party who looks a bit ill has been infected...kill them imediatly!
27 ) Bugs are bad and will kill you in the most graphic ways imaginable which means at the end of the day they are really not worth fighting just so you can get citizenship. Service Gurantees mostly 99.9% your own death.
28. That big muscular dude who just left your police station? He will be back.
29.) get laid before your holiday to Summer Ilse
30. They are all fools. One day you will show them all.
31) Shouting "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!" in a film will always get a response from fans even if it's nearly 30 years later.
32.) All alien races are either some from a planet with one all cosuming culture, or a planet with two cultures which are always at war
33) No matter how advanced a space travelling alien race is, a laptop loaded with windows will be able to interact with their computers.
34) No matter how big space is, you will always meet other spaceships - and they will always be the "Right Way Up"
35. Make sure that your alien welcoming committee includes Will Smith.
36) Make sure your alien welcome committee are fully briefed NOT to use a dove as a symbol of peace between yourself and an alien race. Misunderstandings could result from this.
37) When fighting off a group of crazy aliens ALWAYS make sure you have a portable stereo handy with Slim Whitmans- Indian Love Call in the tape deck.
38 ) Don't fight the same aliens with just your fists. you may be trying to prove the point you are still a great boxer but they will always win in the end by sheer numbers.
(a) Unless your name is Jim Brown.
39) Every peace-loving idyllic culture has a seamy underbelly
40) That hot chick is a baddie.
41. It's probably best to not ask for a recipe for that delicious hot dog you just ate
(a). Best not to embaress yourself by asking how to use the three sea shells ethier
42. Alternate universes always contains one of two things nazis and/or goatees.
(a) or Dinosaurs and/or Apes
43) Nazis and Cowboys are everywhere!
44) even tho the lights dont work your space ship will always have a functional gravity source
45) Playing with the lights will result in a sulky british guy shouting at you
46) Flying headlong into a black hole will not result in your death dispite what the scientists say
47) being exposed to the cold vacuum of space is only lethal if your an arse
48 ) large and seemingly unlockable doors can be opened via a nearby panel and crossing a few wires
49) you can lock large doors by just blasting the control panel
50) air vents are always large enough for crew members (and alien monsters) to crawl through
51) spacesuit helmets have internal lighting so everyone can see who you are (too hell with the heat and vision problems). But not if your evil
52. Memorize these words: Klaatu Barada Nikto. From being sent back in time to facing a giant alien robot, those words will probably save you.
53. Don't read any book that's clad in human skin.
54. Shoot any who even mumbles the word "f'tagn".
55. Earth is the most important planet in the cosmos, even if it's part of an interstellar alliance which has many older and more advanced civilisations.
56. If you are serving on a deep space mining ship and find while having dinner with fellow crew that one of your team starts to have violent unexplainable convulsions be afraid...BE VERY AFRAID.
57. Move out of New York.
58.) that's no moon!
59.) meteorites always contain a nasty alien organism
60.) In space the Captain never goes down with his ship
61.) If you have a brother or clone one of you will be evil
a) If you are the good brother/clone you have a mullet
b) If you are the bad brother/clone you have a really cool outfit, and are prone to kidnapping you brother's/clone's love interest
62.) Evil Emporers/Generals/Lords must wear black - perferrably cowls or leather
63.) the virus/antidote will always be brightly coloured and contained in glass tubes
64) A single person will defeat the alien menace where the army / marines / commandos / airforce (delete as applicable) have failed.
65) Baddie's heavily defended base has one small unnoticed weakness.
66) The Hero never gets the girl (unless its Bond).
67) The Hero is strung up in some elaborate evil mechanism that is so complicated he/she escapes just in time.
68 )Never trust a god-like alien
69) Alien girls are easy
70) Reversing the polarity always solves the problem
71). If you are from a small farming community and are barely surviving, then you will be related to either the universe controlling evil megalomaniac or his most feared leuitenant.
72). At the very end, the universe controlling evil megalomaniac or his most feared leuitenant will have a change of heart due to your unconditional love and will sacrifice themselves to save the day.
a). Even though the universe controlling evil megalomaniac or his most feared leuitenant sacrificed themselves to save the day, you will take the credit.
73) if you believe a monster or killer alien being is on the loose in your base/home/ship, never, never, never, EVER look up at the ceilin of any room you go into.
74. When norwegians starts to shoot dogs it's time to leave Antartica
75. If you are Captain of a giant starship that also hosts as a home for a huge number of families then please try and think before flying into a battle situation at warp 7. You don't want to crash or anything do you?
76. Stuck in an energy ribbon and trying to decide at what point in time you should leave so to stop the bad guy? Stop and just think a few minutes... could you make it much easier for yourself?
77. Alien artefacts are more trouble than they're worth. Just leave them buried in the desert / antarctic / bottom of the ocean and go on with your lives.
a) Unless you're on Mars gasping for air, then it's probably a good idea to activate every alien artefact you can get your hands on.
78. Don't marry dudes that compares you to sand.
79) Hawaiian shirts are de riguer for civilian spaceship engineers
80. Never trust a compute networker that wears hawaiian shirts.
81.) Never stick your arm in any arm-width sized-holes
82.) if you're in a Joss Whedon production and are in a happy relationship...update your will.
83). If there are two alien races fighting and neither of them look human, then the really ugly/evil looking race will be the good guys and the attractive seemingly friendly race will be bad. But you will not find out untill it is nearly too late and you have slaughtered half of the 'uglies'.
84.) Your spaceship cannot have plush carpeted flooring unless it is a Federation Starship
85.) Anyone who wears a suit and works for a multi-national / inter-stella corporation is evil. You may as well shoot them now and have done with it.
a) Be careful to not shoot the one that's gonna have a change of heart after said corporation betrays him/her
86.) an extraordinary number of people/aliens in the multi-verse resemble David Warner
87)There's always a deadline to save the planet like we only have 12 hours to save the Earth!
a)And they always know exactly how long the deadline is.
88 ) Your robotic arm will always be an embaressment that you do not wish to discuss with over people but if it helps you to tie the laces of your classic converse from'the old days' you can live with it.
89) If you wake up from cryostasis/hypersleep/whatever, and find yourself on a dark, desolate and rusty-looking leaky ship, find the nearest escape-pod. Trust me, nothing good will come from exploring the ship's endlessly claustrophobic corridors.
90) Avoid Sam Neill.
Posted by Jamie at 20:41